Unfinished

Hop-on and hop-off says the red, blue and yellow bus,

Outside the window, she looked and let out a sigh,

The unrequited love poem, she wrote months ago, still sits on her lap,

An empty vessel inside her trembles with a pang,

Thoughts and memories danced rhythmically in her head,

Was it a cake, chocolate, vanilla or strawberry?

Her eyes wander and suddenly rest on the branch of a lone tree,

A rocket seems to have just passed over it,

From the desolate leaf-less branch, where no bird dares to build its nest,

Hangs an old dream catcher in psychedelic hues of green and purple,

Weaving and mending dreams of broken friendships and lost loves,

All burnt and turned to ashes by the fire spewing dragon.

Poems written in letters were locked forever in unsent greeting cards,

Found life again in the stories of addicts and eavesdroppers,

Boundless was passion and so was love,

Somehow got lost in chores of laundry, dishes and the mundane,

But amidst all missed connections, closures, closed doors, and smoke, fog and haze,

One thing remained unscathed- the serenity of her perpetually at peace beautiful mind.

 

P.S. I have started dabbling in experimental writing a few days ago (courtesy my Creative Writing Class). Not sure if the post above falls into the experimental poem category, but each phrase is written using a word randomly generated by an online word prompter. For example, the word ‘Hop’ was the prompt for the first line “Hop-on and hop-off says the red, blue and yellow bus.” 

Though still at a nascent stage, but I do hope to improve in the coming days.   A request to all surrealists and experimental writing enthusiasts (If you are reading my poem), do let me know how i can improve. Don’t be too harsh with your critique, please 🙂

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Unfinished

  1. When I looked, you had 15 Likes and no Comments, but I’ll be brave! Experimental writing is often just all about the words, or words and sounds, with little or no attempt at coherence. I like it that you have, beginning with random words, built your way to a little ‘story’. I’m an old guy so my experience of ‘experimental’ writing began (and more or less ended) with the Beat movement. If you haven’t already, take a look at Allen Ginsberg’s Howl https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/49303/howl
    And all the best with your writing. I’m sure you know, the only way to be a writer is to write, write, write.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the much needed encouragement. I seriously started having doubts with my experimental writing skills as no one was commenting on my poem….I am glad you broke the silent like and zero comment chain. At present, I am reading a small piece on Beat Generation’s history. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. Have a great day!

    Like

  3. Hi! Thanks for sending me your poem. I read it a few times over a number of days, just to get a feel for it.

    Some of the imagery is quite vivid but the lines that stuck with me most were the ones that contained fragments of ‘story’. e.g.
    “The unrequited love poem, she wrote months ago, still sits on her lap,”
    and
    “Poems written in letters were locked forever in unsent greeting cards,
    Found life again in the stories of addicts and eavesdroppers,”

    The first line was also memorable: “Hop-on and hop-off says the red, blue and yellow bus,”

    As for improvement suggestions—and they’re bound to be subjective, so disregard all of the ones you feel are unhelpful!—I’d say it’s always a good idea to add more overall coherency.

    As mentioned above, the bits that made most ‘sense’, that had a ‘thread of meaning’ or something a reader can ‘connect to’, were for me the most powerful. In the global narrative, coherency would mean integrating the randomly generated words better so that they stand out less; you did well with the first line and ‘hop’. I don’t know which were the keywords in the other lines, but the ‘dragon’ and ‘rocket’ lines stood out.

    Locally, coherency might come down to word choice choice and punctuation. For example, in “Outside the window, she looked and let out a sigh,” I think it means ‘she looked out through the window and sighed’. However the punctuation makes it seem as though the actions of looking and sighing both happened ‘outside the window’. (I’m being picky here!) In the second to last line, “But amidst all missed connections, closures, closed doors, and smoke, fog and haze,” the things listed together create a picture that isn’t as clear as it could be. ‘Smoke’, ‘fog’ and ‘haze’ are definitely bound together as atmospheric occurrences, but I’d be careful just listing them all unless there’s a deliberate reason for doing so (otherwise it might sound like a parade of semi-synonyms to fill up space); ‘connections’ oppose ‘closed doors’, but aren’t related visibly to ‘closures’, which feels like the odd one out, and are semi related to the ‘smoke’ trio. (Alliteration helps when the meanings fit together.)

    Those are just a few thoughts—I hope there’s something in there that’s useful. If not, forget it.

    Either way, keep at it and good luck writing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking out time to read my poem. I am grateful for the detailed critique you gave me there. The whole thing was sort of an experiment with mechanical/automatic/spontaneous style of writing. Wasn’t thinking much, just randomly making phrases with whatever word prompts were popping up on my screen. Telling a fragmented story was not in my mind either, but I am glad that the words somehow connected and gave the impression of a story. You are right, filling up spaces with coherent words can get little challenging sometimes. ‘Outside’ was the prompt and so were the words ‘rocket’ and ‘dragon’. Will seek your help on my next experimental writing piece again. Thank you and have a great day

      Like

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